why do we felt the loss only when it's really gone?

Wow, realised how long I havent been updating my blog. It's really awhile. It has been a roller-coaster weeks/month to me, but it had enlighted me quite abit too. Perhaps that's what I really need. I have never expected to be that emotional towards my grandparents, or at least to death. Like my other cousins, they have been taken care by my grandpa before, thus I would think that I can still be able to withstand all emotions, but guess I'm wrong. Grandpa, I miss you.

I came back from Penang on 18 Dec, reaching bf's place only midnight. Was unpacking and packing up for work next day, when my mum called me. I knew my grandpa was hospitalized just before my trip, but I didn't have time to visit him then, and promised to visit him once I am back (if only I knew, I would be there). "Grandpa's blood pressure dropped tremendously.. better come fast". I will never forget that night - everything changed when I saw my grandpa in the hospital. From a once active, spontanous, cheeful grandpa, lies someone who's so fragile, haggard, it pains me so badly, that it did not take me seconds longer to tear. I whispered "Ah gong..." His BP had drop to a unbelievably 52 low (normal BP - 110), everyone was there at the hospital, worried. But he pulled through, my grandpa was a fighter (always will be), knew he will pulled it through. I was in and out hospital everyday, taking some urgent leave here and there, I just wanted to be there for grandpa, to be with him as long as I can. He had a couple of recurrances of low BP, but it was on 21st night he totally made us worried. I still remembered it was around 10pm we called out to him to feed him water but he was totally non-responsive, so we thought ah-gong's too tired so let him rest for awhile. Nothing is definitely wrong when we tried again in 1hr's time, nurse came in and took his BP and it went down again! This time his breathing interval was far too long....

We brought grandpa home the next day, for him to celebrate his 80th birthday. I'll never forget grandpa's expression of pain on his face, I felt the helplessness for him. 24th morning, everything turned bad, aunt poh woke us up and it was the last glance for us. We should had kept vigil throughout the night, ah gong why do you choose to leave us during our sleep?? But now Grandpa, you're freed from all and well to stand, do whatever things you want, I'm happy for you! Gonggong, need not worry about us or grandma, we'll take good care of her. I thought of you, did you hear our prayers last night? I hope ....

:: 24 Dec 2005, 1115am ::