世界不会因为你而停止旋转

I was thinking to myself over the weekends, am I slipping into depression?
I used to feel the depression during my times working at Infinity2/Ecoquest, it was such strong feeling.
Is it happening again? Everything seems to be so negative, boring, uninteresting to me, there's isn't something I want or can look forward to anymore. WHY?

I felt the change in me, i know.
Not physically (though I wish there is) but mentally within me.
Perhaps I began to realise and see things that I can't or should I say, choose not to observe before.

I always debated with him - 好心会有好报 but he'll fired back with - 好人先死. Why do I have such negative-minded bf, I thought. Tried proving to him over the years his theory is so wrong and he should correct himself, if not his life will be so pathetic & miserable, living in a life of his own. Guess what,I simply can't figure out anything to justify his "wrongful" life perspective, instead of justifying I find myself realising he's partially right afterall. Too many incidents happened over these years that made me realised such. Correct me if I'm wrong, who doesn't put him himself in top priority? I am not a saint, far from it, but I have always placed friends way above anything.

Call me naive, served me right, go ahead. I heard all. Who would ever placed friends above anything? There may be similar souls out there as me, *hi5* but definitely not making out the larger ratio. It was last year when everything seems to be falling apart one day, and I just wanted someone's shoulder to cry on. I have never even thought of who can I call at that moment knowing I won't have to - definitely "they" will be there. I mass sms'ed to a few bunch of people, thinking it would be great to have them by me in one group. I was alone that night.
It hurted badly.

I dare not ask for equal treatment but only hoped some of my closest friends whom I can forsake my time for them to do so too. Expectations kills - my favorite phrase since then. I have came to become so much more independent, but also more self-less, I guess'd.

Family - they are supposed to be my closest next-of-kins. But where's the connection? I managed to find that fading, low signal link last year but only on the verge in losing it again. I search my conscience on how I treated my brother, and I don't think we are even on par. I never rejected helping him to do anything/run errands/favours (of course unless it's really beyond my limit) am I just doing what a sister should be doing (shouldn't complain?) or am I just being soft-hearted and plain stupid (which I should blame myself for?) I guess it was the last straw for me on Monday night. 对别人好，就是对自己残酷


我看破了。。。 我累了。。