心酸

突然间有好多好多感触。
看了Diana Ser主持的节目“只想说声对不起”，不禁想起4个月前的心酸事。
心真的好酸。

I don't think alot of people around me have a clue about the incident till now.

It was the programme's finale and Diana Ser being the host shared with the public her fair bit of her unknown story - her rough path of pregnancy on Christy Lye. It actually made me recalled ALL of what had happened and I realised that it was ME who took away his/her life so much earlier, way too much earlier.

Started to feel all the achings and weirdness going on in my body, and decided to confirm the result; + positive. We were thrilled to know that our baby is a healthy foetus! Gosh, should say elated when gynae informed us that he/she is going to be due in end January 2010 which means its still a moo-moo baby!! We had always wanted to make it in time for a moo moo baby and it was really a wonderful gift granted to us!

I remembered Hubb expressed his concern about me looking after Reyes during this stage, suggested leaving Reyes to my mom's care over the weekends till baby stablized but I did not think that it would be an issue at all! I mean how many mommies are out there also looking after their kids during pregnancy? C'mon... why do I need to be different???

"I CAN MANAGE"
"NOTHING WILL HAPPEN"

Happiness doesn't last long.
Expect the unexpected.

Noticed I had abit of "dirty blood" during one of my toilet break in the office which I had never experienced during my 1st pregnancy. Immediately called hubby and told him about him as I wasn't even sure if that's "staining". Unexpectedly my anxious hubby drove down and brought me to the gynae for a scan, just to make sure things are okay. Ironically I only saw that "staining" that ONE time, but it's a sign for me.

The scanning revealed there's a blood clot outside the placenta and there was definitely a cause for concern. Dr. Hii tactlessly said "There is a chance of early miscarriage" and instructed for bedrest for 2 weeks, on daily medication to strengthen the womb, and return for a weekly checkup to monitor the progress.

I was a composed dumb bird for some time as I am loss for words and information just couldn't flow through my mind at that moment. Tears tickled down as Hubb reprimanded me away.

Till now there is no explanation for the bloodcot but logically (and I believe) should be caused by force exertion by mommy who turned Hubb's advices into deaf ear and carried on carrying my dear boy who weighed about 10kg.

Luckily baby developed very well and grew more than double in length within one week, with the bloodclot significantly subsiding. Expect the unexpected. Things took a bad turn the very next week when my baby's heartbeat stopped and once again I have to go through a D&C.

I CAN'T remember how long I cried that night.... but it was long and hard.

Perhaps its fated, but I believe I played a part too.

If ONLY I'd just listened and heeded advices.
If ONLY I'd been more responsible towards my little life.
If ONLY you are still inside me.

对不起
Sorry